On The Verge

Anthony Kiedis' only known case of blue balls

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have announced that they will sue the state of California over its name as it bears too striking a similarity to their album entitled Californication.

The lawsuit alleges unfair competition, dilution of the value of the name and unjust enrichment, claiming the title is "inherently distinctive, famous ... and immediately associated in the mind of the consumer" with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

"Californication is the signature CD, video and song of the band's career, and for some state to come along and steal our identity is not right," said the band's lead singer, Anthony Kiedis, conveniently forgetting that their only decent album was 1992's Blood Sugar Sex Magic.

The Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, clearly thought the lawsuit ridiculous when he stated: “The Red Hot Chili Pepper is not a band, it is a fruit. The only fruits we have in Collyfornia either grow on orange trees or live in San Francisco. Ha ha ha, I’ll be back.”

When pressed for suggestions as to what the state of California could be named if the lawsuit were successful, a spokesperson for the band said: “Well, the favourite at the moment is Kiedistan, but John [Fruiscante, the band’s guitarist] would like to call it As Water Drips Softly from the Heavens the Eye of My Penis Sprouts Giant Purple Water Lillies, but Chad thinks that may be a little impractical, so he suggested Stripperfield. But, personally I think Flea had the best one: Boogerville.”

Interstate truck driver Len Evans 'unaware of the danger'.A British study has revealed that wearing large, wide-arm fashion sunglasses while driving increases the risk of an accident. According to the research, more than 12 million cocks wear outsized glasses in the UK alone.

First brought into vogue by flying ace Baron von Richthofen, outsized eye-goggles enjoyed a resurgence in popularity during the 1970s with hippies, tramps and whores, before reemerging with stunning continuity on the face of Paris fucking Hilton.

Such is the widespread popularity of the style that Minister for Transport Mark Vaile has issued an alert to Australian motorists, urging them to limit lens diameter to 10cm in the interests of safety.

"These lethally wide arms and fatally sexy lens tints may look fabulous and be the must-haves of the moment, but drivers should put safety ahead of style when in control of a vehicle," reminded Vaile.

P$nk: shortly after checking her bank balance.Pink – sorry – P!nk has a lot of fans in Australia. Her recent tour saw 35 dates sold out, which means over 300, 000 people saw this bulldyke do her No-I'm-Straight-I Just-Have-Many-Lesbian-Friends act. According to the wizards at Sony BMG , this means that P!nk's recent tour was the biggest arena tour of Australia by a female artist. Ever. You won't see Renee Geyer clicking over that many fans.

To repay your love and loyalty to P?nk, Sony BMG are releasing two very special limited edition singles of Dear Mr President. That's right; you've all been so great and shelled out over $100 each to see her already that they're going to let you buy the sixth single from P#nk's album twice.

Just so you know how well you're getting (ripped off)  rewarded for your fidelity, here's what to look out for: version one comes packaged in – gasp! – cardboard with Who Knew live from Wembley plus all of ten minutes of behind the scenes 'on the road' footage. We can guess that this will consist of P$nk sitting in the makeup chair pouring the secrets of her motivation and success upon us unworthy viewers.

R Kelly: Can you direct me to the lavatory?For a paedophile, R Kelly is doing pretty well. In fact, he not only pisses on his girlfriends, but he's pissing on the R&B competition too. His new album, the euphemistically titled Double Up is his eighth – eighth! --number one album. That's a lot of doo-doo butter.

Typically, the reviews have been glowing, with quite a few reputable US newspapers churning out a little bit of their own doo-doo butter. The New York Post obviously understands what Kelly means by Double Up when they say "Kelly's not only smooth enough for the ladies, but rough enough for the fellas…" The Philadelphia Inquirer have R Kelly confused with someone who works in a donut shop: "The album provides plenty of examples of the real reason that Kelly's career continues to thrive…he keeps serving up the hot jams."

And from the newspaper that broke the Watergate scandal, the Washington Post, we have this: "the microdramas are so masterfully executed that it's easy to forget how great the music is…" Indeed.

James Blunt: fast and bulbous
In what sounds like a nod to the 11 million people that bought his debut album, James Blunt has entitled his sophomore effort All the Lost Souls, which is due for release on 23 July. Lost Souls sees the cunning Blunt gargle his way through such coma-busting numbers as I Really Want You, Annie, and tellingly, Same Mistake.

Of Lost Souls the Blunt says: "It's something that I can say shows my growth and a development as a songwriter and as a musician, shows development in my own life, and records and documents it in that way." So expect a dozen tracks of Norwegian black metal interpersed with the odd Baltic polka.

Normally, a chap like Blunt should raise no ire: he is dull to the point of inoffensiveness. But his sensitive warblings are enough to make anyone feel a little, well, icky. When he sings 'Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend, you have been the one etc,' his tone and accent suggests that he is fingering your girlfriend under the table and about to call the Chancellor of the Exchequer about a matter of National Security. He's just plain creepy and wrong. Shouldn't he be trotting around the grounds of Blunt Manor with a brace of pheasants in a gunny sack, a pack of hounds nipping at the heels of his thoroughbred – not to mention the fine steed upon which he rides -- rather than inflicting his blandness on those with ears?

Nurse, pass me the endemol. Some bastard cut my cocaine with saniflush!

Endemol NV, the Dutch company responsible for unleashing Big Brother upon the earth, have outdone themselves in the tastelessness stakes by producing a new show, Big Donor, in which terminally ill contestants compete for a kidney transplant.

The recipient of the transplant is decided by the television viewers who vote by SMS.

On the surface, this may seem “shocking” as some critics have dubbed it, but considering the sub-moronic contestants on Australia’s Big Brother, and the producer’s struggle to inject even more tension, excitement and controversy into a show that relies very heavily on a dull scenario, stunts like this are The Way of the Future! Only wowsers and pinkos would suggest otherwise.

Having Gretel Killeen host the thing shows that audiences can cope with the unpleasant aftermath of botched surgery, so why not go even further?

Pete's Mum was furious that he'd destroyed her prized Union Jack tea-towel

Not content with simply destroying one kind of art, Pete Doherty has turned his hand to drawing and his works are being exhibited at the Bankrobber Gallery in London.

Given Doherty’s history of breaking and entering shouldn’t that be Houserobber? Anyway, according to the Bankrobber Gallery, the exhibition “includes self portraits and images of prison cells.” One image shows a prisoner face down on a bed in a cell, whilst another is a self portrait of the singer in his trade mark trilby constructed with dribbles of blood on paper.

If you have seen Ghosts of the Civil Dead, you may recall the scene where Nick Cave draws a dismembered woman on the wall of his cell using his own blood. Well, Doherty's art is like that, only shitter. It is undoubtedly the worst excuse for art you’ll ever see. Most of it looks like a children’s painting with a couple of syringes glued to it. After viewing this, you might want to throw on the Babyshambles record for a bit of relief. Yes, it’s that bad.

Bankrobber also state that “Bloodworks is Pete Doherty’s first real forray (sic) into the commercial art world.” Commercial art world? This talentless zombie’s life is a commercial exercise. What’s more jawdropping than the utter shitness of his “art”, some of his pieces going on sale from for around £2,000! Now, that’s a lot of smack.

Dixie Chicks: did little to help the banjo's image.

DIXIE CHICKS: ARE YOU COOL ENOUGH?

Country music act The Dixie Chicks are on a collision course with their record label after saying, in as many words, they didn't want fans who had no taste in music.

"I'd rather have a small following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us as we grow and are fans for life, than people that have us in their five-disc changer with Reba McEntire and Toby Keith", band member Martie Maguire told Time magazine.

"We don't want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do."

The band's manager let out a strangled croak when he saw the comment, and then moaned again as he read on to discover singer Natalie Maines had also withdrawn her apology to George W Bush. Maine apologised to the president after she caused uproar in 2003 by telling a London audience she was ashamed Bush was from Texas.

"I don't feel that way anymore", she told Time . "I don't feel he is owed any respect whatsoever."

The Dixie Chicks' intention to eradicate the remaining 10 per cent of their post-outburst fanbase has given Sony Nashville a bad case of the horrors.

"I can see where [The Dixie Chicks] are coming from," said their manager through a cold sweat.

"I mean, being a Bush supporter and having no taste in music are mutually exclusive. They think they can't do any more damage to record sales than has already been done. But have they forgotten Bill Clinton? He's not Republican, and that saxaphone... the saxaphone..." he broke off, sobbing weakly.

The only thing worse than a middle-class white teenager that sings and dances is an American middle-class white teenager that sings and dances.

DISNEY'S HIGH-SCHOOL MUSICAL

Teenagers are moody, mentally unstable and medically proven to be out-of-their-minds-fucking-insane. Fact. The last thing a teenager really needs is a musical targeted to their demographic, depicting this awkward stage of life.

For anyone requiring a little nudge to help expedite their gradual descent into the pits of mental anguish and despair, Disney can help you go one better with the big push. In fact, this is probably the easiest legal means of suicide assistance you'll come across all year.

People often ask "What is wrong with musicals?" and invariably, it's the music. Not to suggest that the plots are acceptable. They're not. The Musical's only reason for existence is the misguided notion that excruciatingly bad songs will help salvage a dud script. Or else, some bright spark may believe that literary classics can be miraculously resuscitated by way of musical interpretation, turning a dead and dusty piece of outdated irrelevance into a "lively and uproarious box office smash!!"